I cower before the idol I have built: empty, hollow, without feeling or words.
Yet She grips me in her iron clutches; chains and shackles of distress and distaste held tight in the hands that I made.
Still she smiles and holds out a Turkish delight…
for one second the treat melts in my mouth.
Oh Joy, Oh Elation – GONE!
Now arise the whips of defeat and guilt.
This idol deals the blows with skill and ease.
She knows her instruments …
She forged them with the fuel of my fear, my anguish.
My soul rages with bitterness.
Why must I be overcome?
Why must I give in?
With each question comes the crack of the whip at my back.
Where is the key to these chains and a fire hot enough to melt the idol of my desire?
Do I give in and become a willing slave, following her every whim?
Do I continue to feed the emptiness, the bitterness of my constant defeat?
It would be such a relief to stop feeling this guilt, to stop caring.
Instead I would give my all to this temptation and empty my mind of all else.
She will soon consume me.
She is hollow, She is hungry.
In a short time I will no longer exist; instead this idol will stand in my place.
Wallowing in the land of what could be…
It is an empty, ‘could be,’ without time, purpose, glory, or honor.
A life without life.
Purpose and determination rise up in me
My deflated body fills with a power not my own.
As the whip comes down I reach, I grab.
I tear it from her hands.
No whip, no shackles.
They fall to the ground
I weep for joy
GRACE IS MINE
HE died for me, I AM FORGIVEN.
HE knows my mistakes, remorse and struggles.
HE knows, and still LOVES me, still DIED for me, still chose me for HIS OWN.
I stare down the idol of my own making.
her eyes return my look
“Go and never return,” I quietly command
her mouth turns up at the corner as if in amusement.
“we will see,” she says and saunters towards the door.
I move towards her, but she is gone.
All that is left are the chains and whip hanging on a nail by the door.
Sometimes we struggle with sin, its not a, “I only did this once” situation. Some times it becomes a bad habit or an addiction. We build an idol and become a slave to it. There is no freedom in addiction; we are compelled to give in, it feels like we have no choice. Freedom is found in Jesus Christ, he has freed us from our sins. I am not saying it will be easy to break the addiction or habit, but it is possible with Jesus. When we come to him and recognize his sacrifice we receive his Grace and forgiveness. We are made new, the old is gone the new has come.
So if you are fighting, you feel tired and worn as though you will never get out, I say don’t give up. Keep trying and rest in the Grace of Jesus Christ. If you a perfectionist like me, don’t be too hard on yourself. In Jesus we are covered by his grace and his sacrifice. When we beat ourselves up we make things worse, the enemy wants to bring us down and we comply by hating ourselves for our failures. That is not God the Father. Our Father loves us, he loves us so much he sent his son Jesus Christ to die for us. He wants to give us new life and freedom. WE ARE LOVED! I still find it hard to believe that the Almighty God loves me, even with all my failings and imperfection. Yet it is the truth. So have hope, have courage, and persevere but most of all rest in the grace of Jesus Christ.
Reference: Grant, Johnathan. Divine Sex: Compelling Vision for Christian Relationships in a Hypersexualized Age. 2015, Brazos Press.